Redheaded Jill

When I was a freshman in college I was super lonely. I missed home so much, it was a huge adjustment, I wanted to quit school, it was really REALLY tough.

In my loneliness I met a friend of a friend who reached out to me for friendship. I grasped it with both hands. I was desperate. And she was really nice. Or so I thought. I told myself, “This is gonna be my best friend. The type of friend I’ll have for the rest of my life. My Christian college dreams are going to start coming true now.”

Oh… how wrong I was.

I have hundreds of stories that looking back are red flags. I have tons of memories that still break my heart when I remember how sincerely I gave myself to this friendship and how cruelly I was rejected in the end.

We became close and I introduced her to my friends. (Some relatives of my sister in law.) Eventually we all (the girls) ended up being suite mates Sophomore and Junior year.

One of the first college trips I took was visiting my roommates home. Her family was nice, especially her mom. She had a best friend from home who would always come spend the weekend with us when we visited. I honestly didn’t like this girl much, she was super rude in the unkind way that only southerners can be, pretending that a bless your heart will smooth over the passive aggressive comments about your appearance or interests.

Of course, I never said, “Can you not invite her to come hang out? She’s mean.” But… one day my roommate said, “______ really hates when you come home with me because you’re always there and we can’t have fun.” I was like, “Should I stop coming home with you?” From then on when I met her friend I was very standoffish.

Fast forward three years. I am constantly being told how much of a bully I am to her friend. And in all honesty I knew that isn’t how a Christian should act towards someone, so I apologized. I wrote this girl a letter telling her I was sorry that I was so cold towards her. That my feelings had been hurt and that I should have talked to her like an adult to clear up any issues. She accepted my apology, but gave zero acknowledgement that she had been equally cold to me. Her parents were even mean to me. Openly. At church. Multiple times.

To briefly explain why I’m no longer friends with my roommate or our group of friends from college. They all decided to ghost me one day. The kind where you mail them xmas gifts only to see on facebook a week later they’ve moved. One couple moved across town, the other moved to a new state, and neither couple felt the need to send a change of address.

So thus began my years of self isolating, rejection of any and all “friends” and depression. All because I was too lonely to make smart decisions at 18.

Morals of my story: Don’t send your kids to college. Guard your heart. Don’t trust too easily and do not mistake southern NICEness for genuine KINDness… The surface is shiny but inside a heart might be black as tar.