Redheaded Jill

As a kid in junior high I struggled to find my place. I hated school. I hated my peers. I hated change.

Well, part of the struggle was finding friends. My best friends all made new friends. I didn’t. At least not straight away. It was hard.

While I eventually settled and found my place, I still enter new situations feeling awkward and wishing I had a friend so I wasn’t so obviously standing alone and out of place.

As a substitute teacher I still feel that, in the very school that I attended. Today I had lunch duty. Something that I’ve never had before as a sub. I walked into the lunch room and watched the kids eat for a little while. The principal and vice principal were both there. Two very nice men. One of whom taught me 20 years ago. There were some other teachers and paras in there. I was useless. I felt useless. I looked useless. I am not sad about it. It actually made me smile. Teachers who taught me when I was an awkward preteen struggling to find my place were walking by and ignoring me, like my peers did when I was a student.

I’m an adult and if I wanted companionship or a task I could ask them to direct me. Or I could strike up a conversation. But I don’t. I don’t need it like I did when I was 12. The end result was I realized after 10 minutes I was wasting my time and my own lunch period, so I returned to the room. I drank my drink, ate my snack, and typed this post.