Redheaded Jill

I have two special needs siblings. My youngest brother, 11 years my junior, has autism. Tate is the sweetest, funniest kid. He loves movies and celebrities, he hates books. Tate paces when he is stressed and likes to do his chores on a set schedule regardless of who are what is in his way.

For example, one day I was rocking my nephew to sleep and it was time for Tate to unload the dishwasher. I told him to wait until the baby had woken up because the noise would disrupt the baby’s nap. He couldn’t help himself. There was no rationalizing, there was no reasoning, there was no bribing or threatening. The dishwasher timer had gone off and it was TIME to do his chore.

A couple years back Tate started taking anxiety meds. We noticed an instance difference. He was more relaxed, more talkative, and he was able to express himself more clearly.

One thing that causes Tate’s anxiety to spike is a change in routine. That includes any travel. A few years ago one of our brothers got married and we traveled to Texas for the wedding. Tate was adamant that he would NEVER attend another wedding as long as he lived. Unfortunately for him he still had 4 unmarried siblings.

This month another brother got married. Tate had to travel to Arkansas for the wedding. He was beside himself. For months he wouldn’t allow anyone to mention the “M” word (marry/marriage) or “W” word, (Wedding). He would get super stressed when our brother’s girlfriend would come over or be at church. My parents bought him a suit and I can only imagine the poor man tailoring that suit. (Tate is a gentle giant, 6’4″.)

The week of the wedding the doctor recommended Tate take a larger dose of anxiety medication. I can’t say it helped his anxiety go away, but it helped him be able to communicate his thoughts. He started explaining his feelings instead of making up excuses. (For example: I can’t go to a wedding in October, bats come out at night and get stuck in my hair! I can’t go anywhere on Saturdays, that’s my day to watch Night at the Museum.) Tate said, “I am nervous. I don’t want to go to the wedding. I wish I could watch it live.” Tate is not being hateful. He doesn’t mean to be rude. Tate is anxious. This change in routine is too much for him. He can’t sleep, he can’t calm down. Change is hard.

If it were up to me Tate wouldn’t have to go anywhere, ever. (Well… except for church and the occasional appointment.) If it were up to me Tate could forego any if not all future events because I hate to see him struggle. It also takes a toll on all of us. We had each been cornered at different times and asked to review, “The plan”. We all reassured him that he would be ok and he would be safe and he would be able to leave as soon as the wedding is over. Nothing helped.

I feel so bad for him. As much as I dislike crowds for Tate I know that feeling is 100x worse.