It has been 8 years since Grandpa Fish passed away. Eight years since I moved into my grandparents house, eight years since I kissed him for the last time, said I love you for the last time, eight years since I lost someone close to me for the first time.
I usually struggle this time of year. I get melancholy and depressed. I get headaches and sleep a lot. I am extra weepy. This years has been different.
On one hand I need to have a good cry. It’s good for you, but I also have felt the need to cry for literally months but haven’t been able to. There are times when I’m in public and I get an overwhelming desire to weep, but I don’t want to do that in front of people, so I force the tears back down and it’s becoming a pattern.
I definitely need to get back into EMDR in therapy, because that will help. I also need to do more somatic workouts. I have been keeping myself so busy that the stress is starting to show physically. Headaches and migraines among other things.
Today I will go get flowers from my flower friend, and then I will go to the cemetery. It might be rainy, but that’s ok. I will sit by the headstone for a bit and sing. I will pray and think about the last year and what I wish I could tell him. Hopefully I will cry and feel a lot better. Then I will go home and tend my animals and get ready for church.
One reason that this year has been less melancholy than previous years is because of my church family. I have found a group where I can make friends and get super involved. I have more people around me to both distract me and enjoy fellowship with. It brings me no small amount of joy. Another thing is I am trying to build up a business following online. It has been a creative outlet that I desperately needed. I think being busy definitely helps with the melancholy. But I also need some time for reflection and peace.
Goodbye August. See you again next year.
Redheaded Jill 
Leave a comment