Redheaded Jill

I have spent a lot of time in my life being naive. I thought that everyone who I remembered would also remember me. I thought everyone who I loved would also love me. I thought everyone who had a big impact on my life would feel the same.

I now realize that things aren’t always reciprocated. And it doesn’t make my work or contribution to a cause or event any less meaningful just because I take it more to heart than the other folks.

There are kids I still remember from my first year as a preschool teacher that at the time I wanted to bring home as my own. And there are kids that I have been a substitute teacher for who I still love and miss. There are girls now entering high school who I bought clothes for when they were in kindergarten because they repeatedly came to school in winter without a coat. There are boys who went home from first and second grade with extra snacks because I told my grandma they were hungry and we started buying them groceries. I was a nanny for years and I absolutely loved those kids, and for a while after I quit I would stay in touch and send them mail and go visit. Now when I see them they’re teenagers and it’s awkward.

I am someone who loves whole heartedly and dives in head first. I have had to learn, over the years, to guard my heart and not be crushed when peoples’ lives move on without me.

On the other end I have seen teachers who were impactful on my life who wouldn’t know me from Adam. There are professors who changed the course of my life (both positively and negatively) and they wouldn’t remember me at all.

When you grow up being fed the “you can change the world!” line from teachers and then get older and realize, “everyone is fighting for their life, nobody is looking at you.” We are all just trying to survive.

Now when people do remember me it is more meaningful because it’s rare. This realization also helps me not have unrealistic expectations for people.