Redheaded Jill

I often joke about this being an enneagram 4 problem, but I am constantly at odds with myself.

There are people in the world who love themselves. There are people in the world who hate themselves. Then there are people who simultaneously do both. I am in that third group.

Example: A friend tries to set you up with someone. The dude is nice, has a good job, involved in church, but you aren’t attracted to him or his personality. Then come ALL the feelings.

Self loathing – This is as good as it’s going to get for me. Take the chance while you have it. You aren’t a prize yourself, why do you think you deserve to be physically attracted to the man you date? The people who will want you aren’t going to look like Henry Cavill or Lee Dong Wook. Stop being shallow. You have too much baggage to care about superficial things. This might be your last chance. If he finds out how little you have going for you and still wants this then thank God and be done with it.

Self importance – You are a DELIGHT! So what if you don’t look like Farah Fawcett, you deserve to be with the handsomest of men. You have so much to offer, there’s more to life than appearance. You don’t HAVE to date someone just because they’re nice. You are allowed to have desires and likes and things that you are attracted to. (You are essentially talking to yourself the way you would/do your friends.)

But there has to be some type of balance. Should you say hateful things about someone just because they aren’t your type? No. Do you have to date someone just because they’re nice? No. Is it worth it to give everyone a chance? Probably? Can people become more attractive when you get to know them? Yes. (And vise versa.) Will a person be nice and kind just bc they’re good looking? No. (Although I am convinced Henry Cavill is the best of men.) Does it make you shallow to want to be attracted to the person you date/marry? No!

It’s like in this life I feel guilty for the things that I want, but not so guilty that I will settle for the things that I don’t want.

Thus… I go to therapy. (Though it might take going every week for the remainder of my life to make sense of my contradictory brain.)