Redheaded Jill

I recently borrowed Attached from my shrink, and wow… it was fascinating.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love by Amir Levin and Rachel Heller

(Amazon description)

— Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love

“Over a decade after its publication, one book on dating has people firmly in its grip.”
—The New York Times

We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller scientifically explain why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle through adult attachment. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that everyone behaves in one of three distinct ways while in a relationship:

• Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
• Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness
• Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving

Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love. —

Now, I am not looking at this romantically (at least not yet). But from patterns of behavior my entire life I know that I am an anxious attachment style. I’m working on getting more secure, but growing up I was super anxious. My poor best friend from K-12. I was so scared of her making new friends I was always asking her if she was mad at me. I always wanted to point out to people that we were BFFs. I am happy to say she was very patient, and although she had a lot more friends than I did, she was always kind to me. Now we’re adults and live five minutes away from one another. I adore seeing her be a mom and still getting to see her parents from time to time. I know that growing up with me wasn’t easy.

As an adult I find myself working so hard to NOT be anxiously attached to people that I might be doing the opposite. People I want to connect with might feel rejected because I avoid them sometimes. Not because I want to, but because I don’t want them to feel pressured by me always talking to them.

Like I said, I’m working on getting more secure.

The main thing I took from this book was that whether you are anxious or avoidant, if you have a secure partner you will likely become secure yourself. In addition, if you communicate well and openly you will have a higher chance of a secure relationship. And finally, when you read between the lines you can achieve so much more.

An example: You are so stressed about 10 things happening in your life and your partner leaves a dirty towel in the floor. You blow up at them and berate them for leaving that towel there, and they feel like dirt. What’s the big deal? It’s just a towel? It’s not though. It really has nothing to do with the towel. The towel just ended up being the straw that broke the camel’s back. In reality you are stressed because life is hard and you feel unsupported by your partner. They aren’t noticing your struggles. Instead of telling them you need help you wait for them to notice and the longer they don’t the more you seethe. A secure partner would say something like, “Hey. I can see something is wrong and it’s not the towel. Talk to me. What’s happening at work/school/home? Where do you need more support? I want to help you but name calling isn’t going to get us there.”

I have had so many instances in my life where that one little thing sent me over the edge and it lead to me making all sorts of sarcastic and cruel comments. Trying to hurt the person who hurt me. Or, trying to get attention because I felt neglected. It always backfires. I knew I was healing when something happened and I would stop and think, “What I WANT to tell them is xyz, but if I do that nobody will feel better and they will resent me for it.” Those are the times I need to pray. God will always listen and support us without being over burdened. Our friends and parents have their limits.

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