Redheaded Jill

I have made TONS of progress in my life this last year. In particular, these last few months, I have come so far. I have been extra social. I have tried new things. I have attended events on my own, I have read the books, I have done the research, I have started meditating and doing somatic workouts and cooking with bone broth and working out and doing SO many things that will help me live my best, healthiest life both mentally and physically.

While I sometimes have an off day I have been able to maintain my new obnoxiously optimistic outlook on life.

Until… dinner on one fateful Sunday night.

Y’all, I have a PROBLEM!

A friend from church, who I actually grew up with but hadn’t seen in many years, has been inviting me to dinner with her friends. SO kind. She’s a couple years older than me and has kids, as do most of the people she eats out with. There is a group, 2-3 small families that go out on Sunday nights. There are also a couple singles they invite. I am one of them.

I appreciate the invites. I love having a safe way to be social. There are just a few problems.

1. I feel like a child. I find myself relying so heavily on my friend for conversation that I monopolize her attention and conversation instead of conversing with the entire group. I have tried to include a comment or two to be funny, but it feels like my contributions fall flat. I feel like an absolute child. A woman in her 30s feels completely inadequate and needy. Like I need to be taken care of by a parent or older sibling.
2. My friend’s husband has seemed to notice this awkwardness and has stepped in to help me several times. But instead of it drawing me out of my shell it makes me feel worse. For the same reason listed above. I feel childish. Also, he has paid for my dinner a couple times and while it’s SO kind it makes me feel guilty. I don’t deserve dinner! I don’t deserve to be invited! They would have more fun without me! (They don’t say this, but my brain is working against me!)
3. There is one single guy who comes and has been part of their friend group for a long time. He is super nice, very kind, polite guy. But because he’s single, because he is unattached, because I don’t want anyone to mistake me as being interested or desperate I cannot talk to him. I can’t. Last week he asked me a polite question and I froze. I froze so obviously that my friend’s husband had to answer the question FOR me. Because I couldn’t even look at the person who asked me the question.

Would I have this issue if he was married? Possibly, but not probably. Why do I know this? Because once I found out the people I was talking with at church were married I instantly became able to make small talk. My strength lies in talking with gentlemen beyond a certain age, or dudes who are unavailable. The single ones… just put me out of my misery.

I will be bringing this up in therapy and if my shrink has any magical insight I will let you know. *insert sheepish grin*