Redheaded Jill

I don’t often use modern “slang” because I’m a snob and I like to think I’m cooler than that, but some words just make sense. One term I find myself over using is “ick”. As a snob there are a LOT of things that do give me the absolute ICK.

As I navigate this world of healthy adult friendships, meeting new people, finding community, and getting involved at church I am under a lot of stress. Social stress. Stress that some people don’t consider stress because they like it.

I don’t.

Whether it’s self esteem issues, introversion, being burnt out, or just boredom I do not care for major social gatherings.

Unfortunately, to meet friends or a potential romantic partner you have to leave the house. (The only things I find worse than actually attending functions is the idea of online dating.)

So… I am trying to unlearn some bad habits, break down some protective barriers that are no longer necessary, and figure out how to have healthy friendships. Especially with men. I need to heal my masculine energy so that I can fully embrace my feminine energy. I miss guy friendships. I miss healthy interactions with men. I miss a time when I wasn’t always guarded and assuming the worst.

Something I realized the other day was I like people or things, until I don’t. I will be going through life, happy as a clam, not suspecting a thing until BAM. One thing happens and everything is derailed. Maybe a comment is made. Maybe I have a bad vibe. Maybe I even have a weird dream. And there’s no going back. From that point on I can no longer fake it till I make it. The person I was able to make small talk with, or be polite to for a long period of time starts to give me the creeps, the ick, and I can’t do it anymore.

I cut people off, I quit cold turkey. I assume the worst and can’t recover.

It makes things awkward. I am not good at hiding my feelings. I have serious resting bothered face (RBF).

The hardest part is when this happens with people you have known your whole life. Are they really “bad” or am I being overly sensitive? Is it ok to “protect my peace” or do I need to be considerate of their feelings? Where do we draw the line?

I have no answers yet, but I am trying really hard to NOT let that happen in my “new” life.