After recognizing a lot of the resentment I was holding onto just for kicks we talked about what I would do differently if I could redo college. Because that’s where a lot of my issues stem from.
I told my shrink that if I could go back in time, I would only stay in Tennessee for one semester. I would not be friends with the same people, or at the very least I would have made friends with only two or three of them. I would’ve moved home to get my degree online. I would’ve found a part-time job that I didn’t hate and I would have spent as much time as possible with my Grandpa Fish learning all about farming and gardening and animal husbandry. I would have spent more time with my Grandma, encouraging healthy habits instead of coddling her. I would’ve asked her to teach me more about sewing and crocheting.
I think I’ve always wanted to be a homemaker and a gardener and a caretaker. But I didn’t feel like it was good enough so I reached for things like being an attorney or being a teacher. Those things gave me status in my mind. If I had allowed myself to be honest about my interest, then I probably wouldn’t have had the mountain of student loan debt, a good chunk of the anxiety and depression, and I wouldn’t have wasted so much time.
Could I be wrong? Yes. And obviously I can’t go back and change anything so it’s not super productive to talk about it. But I think it was productive was recognizing my true feelings and allowing myself to grieve for the life that I missed out on. So I guess it was useful… There’s just nothing that can be done about it now.
Redheaded Jill 
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