Redheaded Jill

So… what to do! How to prepare for when I’m no longer needed or of use to anyone…

Here’s the constant battle in my head.

Rational brain says, “You are family so you will always have a place. Just because you won’t need to babysit the kids forever doesn’t mean you won’t still play a big role in their lives. You don’t have to earn your place in this family, or in this world. Existing and being a decent human being is enough.”

Irrational brain, the often stronger brain, says, “You have to find a way to make yourself invaluable. If you have no necessary skills you MUST find a way to earn money and lots of it. If you are not a financial drain then you won’t have to justify yourself. You can find a balance.”

So I am always looking for some way to earn a living without sacrificing my mental health. (Which seems to suffer regardless of my employment type or status.)

The thing is, I know my thoughts aren’t all reasonable. And if I were a better person I’d say, “My identity is found in Christ and as long as I’m doing what the Bible says the rest really doesn’t matter.” But it does matter. It matters to me. I can pray for people and I can be polite to people at church, but that doesn’t mean it’s comfortable. That doesn’t mean I enjoy being around people or participating in group activities. My Grandma used to tell me, “Idk what you think Heaven will be like, but there will be lots of people up there who you seem to avoid here on earth.” Well yeah Grandma… I avoid just about everybody. But surely in heaven, along with our perfect bodies, will be perfect mental health, right? Surely this battle on earth isn’t for naught. No tears in heaven, no sorrows given, all will be glory in that day, right?

The fact is you can know things to be true and correct, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept. I know all sorts of things that are true and I can liberally apply those things to others, but when it comes to myself there’s a blockage that I just can’t seem to break through.

BUT. Therapy is helping. Because these inner thoughts and truths are things that I used to either hide from or deny. Accepting them is the first step to working through them.