Redheaded Jill

Needless to say I am very proud of all of my siblings and their accomplishments. I do not feel jealous or hateful towards them. When they win I celebrate with them. When they lose I grieve with them. (They don’t tend to lose though…)

Once upon a time I was like them. I had hopes and dreams and confidence in my success. I thought a time or two I had achieved that success. I had quality friends (or so I thought), I had plans that involved becoming an attorney and making a boat load of money. I had a hiccup or two along the way, but didn’t consider myself completely out of the fight. At first that is…

I did the college thing. It was hard, but I thought it was good. Sure, I graduated unmarried, but I had big plans. Until I lost all my friends, who ended up being fair weather folks and not true kindred spirits. That was a tough blow, but I still had a career to work towards. I was going to be a lawyer! Oh… just kidding. Depression and anxiety stopped me in my tracks. I moved home in defeat.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to be me? For my parents to tell their friends and acquaintances in town that their bright oldest daughter actually dropped out of law school? Oh, and while she’s at it she has mental health issues and couldn’t afford to live on her own until she was 30? And even that is only because of the generosity of her parents who live next door and can help during emergencies?

I used to be king of the hill… and now I’m watching my younger siblings, the people I should be taking care of, take care of me. My brothers are always fixing or building things for me. My sister often buys meals when we’re out together. I never intended to be the needy one. I was always the caretaker. And now I’m on the receiving end and it’s really hard.

So as I watch my sister prepare for this next phase of life I feel so empty. I’m glad for her, but it really hurts to be left behind. She has now surpassed me in all the things. She’ll be married first. She’ll likely have kids first. She’s getting things that I want. She’s getting things that I supported her in obtaining. So WHY can I not have them too? That’s my big issue… what does a girl have to do to achieve her dreams? And why is it so easy for some and so hard for others?

That is what came out in therapy last week. It feels victimy, and it feels shameful to admit. But I gotta face it. I walk through life tip toeing because I don’t feel like I deserve to be there a part of anything. If I’m at least contributing it’s not so bad. I can pretend like I deserve a place at the table when I’m caring for my niece and nephews, or helping my parents around the house. I can almost convince myself that people need me and I am invaluable to the family. But my sister doesn’t need me any more. And soon the others won’t need me anymore…

to be continued.