Redheaded Jill

This month we switched to a new memory for EMDR. The earlier the memory is the more likely you are to heal. So we went back to the earliest memory I had of self loathing. It was age 11. I’m not going to get into the memory itself, but it was a really emotional session.

When my shrink asked me where I felt the emotion I told her, as usual, it was in my arms. At the beginning of the session my arms felt hot. Towards the middle they felt numb. At the end they felt cold and empty.

There were three people involved in my memory, and my shrink asked what I would say to each of the people in my memory. I said for the first person, “I know you’re hurting and that’s why you’re treating me this way. This is going to be the start of many years of contention, please don’t treat people this way…” For the second person I would say, “I know you have a valid reason for your fears, but please don’t project those fears on others.” And the third person was myself. She asked what I would tell my 11 year old self and I said, “Nothing.” 11 year old Regan was self conscious and had just realized that she wasn’t physically pleasant to look upon. I told my shrink that if the Regan in her 30s still struggled with body image 11 year old Regan would be so disappointed and discouraged to see that it doesn’t get better. In the 20 years I’ve lived I haven’t figured out how to lose weight and be better looking. Puberty wasn’t kind. So I asked if it was rational to use a Disney character to go talk to my 11 year old self. My shrink said it was perfectly fine so I chose the little mermaid. I said, “11 year old Regan would have done and believed ANYTHING the little mermaid would have said.” So… I imagined the little mermaid talking to my 11 year old self. I had her say, “People say and do cruel things when they are hurting or afraid. Don’t make decisions based solely on fear. Just because you have a best friend who is extremely thin doesn’t mean that you are fat. The things done and said to you are meant to be for your protection and not because there’s something wrong with you.”

Then we talked about how I would do things differently if I were in that situation as an adult. If I was to take my daughter or niece out for this particular errand, what would I do to ensure that it was a pleasant one and not a sad one. This was a really helpful exercise.