Redheaded Jill

I heard a song the other day where a girl said, “You weren’t trying to ruin my life, you just didn’t like me that much.” Essentially saying the guy who broker her heart wasn’t evil, he just wasn’t as interested in the relationship as she was. It’s not a crime for someone to not reciprocate a crush. (Though it feels like it is!)

When I was a freshman I fell head over heels for a baseball player. BUT, I knew him because we had Bible class together. We met at freshman interface and he sat next to me in class because we were acquaintances.

The first week of class I saw him sitting all alone in the cafeteria. I had a single moment of bravery and I invited him to come eat with me and my friend. He joined us and it became a regular habit. He ate with us several times a week, and sometimes his cousin would join us.

He was so dreamy. Smart, a strong Christian, handsome, kind, etc…

I pined after him all year. I was waaaaay too intense. I watched movies that I hated because he liked them. I invited him places and he never accepted, but he kept being nice. I think he had a brief crush on my roommate. (Who called him Senor Tiny Head because she said his head was small and he was ugly. She was so pleasant.)

The last week of school there was a girl in the same department as him who liked him too. She was everything I’m not. Southern, blonde, petite, outgoing…

One day instead of joining us at lunch at our normal spot the guy sat at the table DIRECTLY next to us with his new girlfriend. I swear she glared at me the entire meal, rubbing in her victory. (Later we had a class together and she pretended not to know me when we got partnered up. Fate was cruel. I dropped the class after 2 classes.) She had won and she wanted me to know.

On one of the last days of school I ran into him in the cafeteria. He hadn’t talked to me since before he chose a new spot for lunch. I must have looked crestfallen because this guy walked up to me and said, “Regan, why do you look so upset? Do I need to go beat someone up for you?” I don’t remember what I responded, but I still get a slight ache in my stomach when I’m feeling low. My first experience at love had gone so wrong.

BUT… looking back… if I could do it again… I would try to be his friend and only his friend. Let things progress naturally (if they were going to progress). I would have been an encourager and would have not invited him anywhere, except to sit with us at lunch. I wouldn’t have wasted time watching Shawshank Redemption. (I HATE sad movies.) And I wouldn’t have begged for his attention.

I guess this week had been a lot of pathetic memory dumping. But it’s all part of the healing, right?