Redheaded Jill

** Trigger warning: death, miscarriage **

My Grandma had a heart attack when I was in fifth grade. I remember my Grandpa coming over and sitting on my parents couch and crying. I’d never seen Grandpa cry and it scared me. I called my best friend and left a message on her house phone. She called me back fearing the worst. Thankfully my Grandma got well and was with us another 20 years.

When I was in elementary school my mom had a miscarriage. I think she experienced 3-4 of them in her life, but this was the first one I was aware of. I was waiting in the car with my brothers while she went into a doctor appointment. I can even remember the parking lot and what direction we were facing. My mom went in for a regular baby checkup and when she came out she was crying. I watched from the car as my Dad hugged her. I don’t remember the drive home, or much of the conversation. I just remember being told that mom wasn’t going to have a baby anymore. I don’t remember my own feelings at the news, just that my mom was heartbroken.

When I was in 6 or 7 grade my mom became pregnant with a baby girl. It was baby #7 and I wanted a girl SO bad. My family goes boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, boy. My youngest brother threw off our pattern! I wanted a sister so bad I ached. My mom found out she was having a girl and I was elated. Well, one day I asked my parents if I could have a sleepover at my best friend’s house. (A common occurrence.) My parents said no. They told me that mom had lost the baby and had to go to the hospital to deliver her. I was to stay home.

To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. I couldn’t believe it. I had been praying for that baby. I had been longing for that baby. It was one of the worst days of my life.

I went to my room, crying hard. My dad came up to my room and asked why I was crying. He asked if I was upset because I couldn’t go to my friend’s house. I didn’t know what to say. My 12 year old heart wasn’t thinking rational thoughts like, “Your dad is sad. He’s grieving. He might not be thinking clearly.” My 12 year old heart said, “You are such a selfish person that your parents think you’re crying because of a sleepover and not because your baby sister has died.”

I told him that’s not why I was upset, I was upset about the baby. Later on they came home. Mom said the baby had down syndrome and some other health issues. If she’d been born alive she would have had several health issues. They said when my Dad held her she fit in one palm. I was furious. Why didn’t I get to see her? How could the doctor have known she had down syndrome, or any other health issues? Did they think it made her death ok, because she was going to be born with a disability? Who is he to say that? Why didn’t he save he? Why didn’t they prevent this tragedy? Weren’t they doctors?