Redheaded Jill

After a recent chat with my shrink I discovered that I get really upset when someone accuses me of being lazy. That might seem like a common thing, nobody WANTS to be deemed lazy, but it’s something that really and truly upsets me. There could be a million reasons, but here’s a few that came to mind first.

1. My sister uses that term when she wants to get me riled up and it always works. If we’re cleaning together and I want to do something in a different way than her she calls me lazy. Worse than that, she goes to the rest of the family and tells them as well. “She’s being lazy! She’s cutting corners!” Anything I say to explain myself sounds like an excuse. It makes me feel like a kid about to get in trouble. Pretty silly for a 30 something to say, but I don’t feel like a responsible adult when squabbling with my sister.
2. I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember. Being overweight (even when I wasn’t overweight) always kept me feeling extremely self conscious. Fat and lazy go together hand in hand. It’s like being overweight, no matter how hard I worked or how little I ate was still a sign of my laziness.
3. I’m not lazy. I might not enjoy working out with others, or going to a gym, but I exercise when nobody is looking. I work hard at my jobs and I like to do things to help other people. Sometimes I’m tired, but that’s not laziness. If I’m sitting in the living room reading on my phone while my nephews play and that’s all you see it might look lazy. But you weren’t there for the hours of playing, cleaning, cuddling, feeding, and rear end wiping that I did leading up to that point. When there are other adults around I can let my guard down and let myself get a little distracted while the boys play.
4. I have had bouts where I was severely depressed and physically couldn’t make myself do anything. Showering, washing my hair, even brushing my teeth was a mountainous task. I felt broken. I had no energy. I didn’t feel that way because I wanted to. I didn’t feel that way because I wasn’t interested in being clean and healthy. I could not function properly. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s not that I wouldn’t do it. It’s that I couldn’t. Could. Not.

Anyway, it’s kind of silly because my family and friends and even as far as I know people who don’t like me don’t say I’m lazy. (Unless I’m fighting with my sister.) Maybe I perceive myself that way and I’m being defensive of myself against myself. I don’t know. What I do know is every day I’m getting better and better and better.