Part 2: Small talk, oh how it hurts.
Sometimes small talk is as painful as torture. As an over thinker I over think. “Did I say too much? Was that the right response? Did I just put my foot in my mouth? Will they think I’m weird? Do they secretly hate me?” and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Even when I go someplace with the literal nicest people in the world, like a church service, I find myself having these struggles. There have been days where my social anxiety is so bad that I pull into the parking lot and have to pump myself up to go inside. Sometimes I can’t go inside. Sometimes I just sit in the car and watch the time tick by thinking, “in one more minute I’ll go in…” over and over until I’ve missed half the service.
My usual tactic to avoid small talk as much as possible when attending church is to arrive late. If I walk in a couple minutes after they start nobody will try to talk with me. That way I can save all the small talk for the end of the service. Or I can sneak out a minute or two early if I really don’t feel like I can handle a conversation.
I don’t just do this for church, I arrive everywhere late. Sometimes it’s because I try to do one more thing before leaving. Like unload the dishwasher or start laundry. But oftentimes it’s because I want to get there, sit down, and do the thing. The appointment, the event, the show, the service…
What do I do when I’m forced to engage in small talk? I overshare. I talk too much. I say embarrassing things, trying to be funny, when mostly people don’t understand the joke. It’s like I see it happening but I can’t stop it… Or I fall into comfortable topics of conversation. I realized the other day that 75% of the conversations I have with my friends at church are about being single and wanting to find a Christian man to marry. While that IS something I want, that’s not all I want to be known for! So now, on top of feeling the normal amount of anxious, I get to feel the “I must change how they perceive me, thus changing my identity” type of anxious.
In case you were wondering it is NOT a good time.
To be continued…
Redheaded Jill 
Leave a comment